一种稳稳的幸福

作者   江岚

   暑假到末梢,随着各种暑期班夏令营都结束,新学期开学在即,照例是大人孩子都抓紧时间吃喝玩乐,烧烤野餐聚会把每个周末都排满。

这天在公园里,大人围着一大堆吃的喝的聊天,孩子们满处跑着嬉闹。老友感慨:“这么多好吃的,这些孩子连看也不看!哪像我们小时候……”说着意犹未尽,还要大声追问:“喂,孩子们!知不知道你们很幸福?!”

她家刚上初二的丫头反应快,立刻转过头回答:“吃东西是为了肚子不饿,又不是为了幸福!”

老友一时语塞,我在旁边大乐。我们这一代人以及更上一代,习惯了“忆苦思甜”的思维逻辑。可忆当年的苦,思今日的甜,主语都必须是当事人自己。眼下老友忆着自己的苦,叫孩子去思她们的甜,结果母女间的这段对话变成鸡同鸭讲的典型范例。

要“幸福”,肯定是为人父母者对孩子一生的最高期许吧,尽管我们为孩子规划的人生图景或许千差万别。然而“幸福”的概念如此抽象,个体的体验如此私密,父母“认为”孩子是否幸福或有多幸福对孩子而言没有实质意义,关键是孩子们是否切切实实地“觉得” 自己幸福。

那么我们如何才能让孩子们觉得幸福呢?吃饱穿暖肯定是必要条件,却显然不够充分,要回答这个问题必须先搞清楚“幸福”到底是什么。罗曼∙罗兰说,“幸福是灵魂的一种香味”,足够诗意,却令人摸不着边际,还是现代人类心理学、行为学基于幸福感量化测度的研究结果比较直接:幸福是人们获得物质与精神双重安全保障之后的心理感受。

换言之,幸福感滋生于安全感的基础之上。为孩子提供物质方面的安全保障不难理解,也不难做到,普通家庭衣食无忧的生活状态足够了。精神安全又是什么?要如何保障?已故的英国心理学家,儿童教育家爱德华∙鲍尔比(Edward J. M. Bowlby)早在上个世纪初就说过,一件新玩具,一个游乐场的周末或者一趟惊喜新奇的旅行……物质的给予可以博得很多孩子展颜一笑,却不见得能转化为真正意义上,足以支撑孩子的健康成长的幸福感,他认为精神层面的安全感必须依靠人为地、有意识地主动构建。鲍尔比进一步阐明,亲子之间的亲密依赖(parent-child attachment)是这个构建过程中最直接的,具有决定性影响的因素。因为亲子良性互动的关系会对孩子们的自我评价与期许产生持续的正面影响,为他们未来形成积极乐观的人生态度奠定坚实的基础。

半个世纪以来,专家们在这个领域里相关的研究结论不断从各个角度夯实鲍尔比观点的正确性,并给出了构建儿童心理安全感的具体建议,林林总总,概括而言不外乎以下三大项:

首先是爱,“无条件(unconditional)”的爱。为人父母者,绝大多数不会主动承认自己对孩子的爱是“有条件”的,然而——只要你给阿姨唱首歌,妈妈就去给你买冰淇淋;如果你不听话,这个周末就不带你去动物园;……这一类我们在日常生活中频繁使用的句型,在语言学上有个统称叫做“条件复句”,定义本身已经很清楚地说明了句子的性质:我们在给孩子提条件,而且是赤裸裸的条件。实际上,给孩子买一个冰淇淋或带他们去动物园,不过只因为天热只因为孩子喜欢,也是为人父母当尽的义务,何必附加条件,何必演化为对孩子的额外“施舍”?

当然所谓“无条件”还有其更深刻更重要的内涵。那是无论他们今天的行为惹得我们多生气,对他们的爱不会变;是无论他们在外面遭遇了什么困难,我们始终站在他们身后;是无论别人怎么说长道短,我们永远相信他们本性的善良向上……由此指向专家们提出的第二条建议: “接受”,接受他们性格上的弱点,接受他们不尽如人意的表现,接受他们作为独立个体的自由意志。

不过,无条件的“爱”也好,完整的“接受”也好,都是原则,针对的是为人父母的心理状态调整,依然抽象。对于孩子们,尤其是年幼的孩子们,父母对这两项原则的执行与坚持需要外化、具象化,落实成为生活的细节,成为常态,让孩子们能够感知,能够触摸。所以接下来的就是“鼓励”。


美国行为学专家,多动症与自闭症治疗权威爱德华∙豪利威尔(Edward M. Hallowell)解释,这里所要求的并非只是泛泛地夸奖,一句两句“你真棒!”或“你真了不起!”远远不够。孩子们需要有形的,具体的安全感,比如经常性的,踏踏实实地拥抱;比如不要以“叫警察叔叔来抓你”或者“我们不要你了”来威胁恐吓孩子;比如有意选定孩子擅长的,肯定能胜任的一件事,设立现阶段的清晰目标,让孩子去完成。

孩子们从一懂事起,就开始不断寻求外界对他们自身表现和自身能力的认可,来自父母的反复肯定和包容是自信心的源泉。先有了自信,才会有安全感,有了安全感,孩子的情绪便容易趋于平和,催生循环滋长的幸福感,进而养成更持久更恒定更自足更健康的,乐观向上的心理素质。

父母主动地,有意识地为孩子营造出来的安全空间,将是一个从存在之日起陪伴他们成长的,是有别于外面的大千世界的,他们最初的与最后的歇脚之处。这个小小的私人的空间,才是我们能够给予孩子一生最贵重的礼物,一份小小的,却稳如泰山的幸福。

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